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You are at:Home » News » Craic » A day in the life of an 88-year-old Irishman who drinks 15 pints a day
Craic Satire

A day in the life of an 88-year-old Irishman who drinks 15 pints a day

Gerald LeinsterBy Gerald LeinsterSeptember 17, 2019No Comments4 Mins Read
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Paudie is eighty-eight-years old and proudly drinks fifteen pints of Guinness a day.

Last week we spent two days with him and documented his daily routine.

Paudie lives along with his wife Betty on his twelve-acre sheep farm in County Wicklow and to be honest, is as fit as many men half his age.

Paudie puts his good robust health down to clean living and downing fifteen-pints each and every day.

Always keen to promote good clean and healthy habits among its readers Meanwhile in Irelands Health Correspondent Dymphna Ni Pharland reports from Paudie’s smallholding, two miles from Ballymctaggart County Wicklow.

7.00am – Starts the day right with a pint of stout and a fry (1 pint)

7:00 am, Paudie Just back from checking the flock sits down to a real Irish fry that Betty has incinerated and thrown up on a plate in front of him.

The fry-up consists of a half-dozen sausages, a few hairy-backed rashers of bacon, a fist full of mushrooms and three fresh eggs.

Paudie pulls the lid off a pint bottle of stout, pours it into a glass and begins to eat; washing the meal down with long healthy swigs of the Guinness.

Turning to the Meanwhile in Ireland camera crew Paudie belches and mutters “I used to take a can of Bachelors Beans with the breakfast but be-Jaysus they make you fart like a hoor.”

7.05am – A fast eater… (1 pint)

7:05 am. Putting a further two pint bottles in the pockets of his once new coat, Paudie shouts to Betty “I’ll be back for the dinner at one,” as he heads for the yard and mounts his 1975 Honda 50.

7.30am – The Day begins (3 pints)

7:30, Paudie arrives at the Creamery where he meets up with the lads.

There are normally two distinct groups off auld-fellas standing around outside — those whose families were Free State and those whose families were not.

Paddy joins the other lot, downs the two bottles of stout and remounts the Honda. “I think I’ll nip down to Slattery’s bar just for the one he says,” as he starts her up and wobbles off down the road.

9.00 am – First pint in the pub (4 pints)

9:00, Paudie abandons the Honda and slips into Slattery’s by the back door.

With perfect timing, Josie Slattery has a fresh pint of Guinness waiting for him — just as she has every morning at nine and just as her mother had each day when she was alive.

“Put another one on for me there Josie,” Paudie says before he even begins sipping his first,

1.00 pm – Drives home for lunch (6 pints)

1:00 pm with the Honda on automatic-pilot Paudie drives the few miles home to where a big plate of bacon and cabbage is waiting for him.

Wolfing it down Paudie opens just the one-pint bottle drinks it and promptly falls asleep on the soft chair.

4.00 pm – Tipping Point (8 pints)

4:00 pm, Paudie wakes in time to catch the start of Tipping Pont — he enjoys his game shows.

Eating the bit of liver which Betty has left out for him — Betty attends the local Legion of Mary every Tuesday night — Paudie has the one more bottle before remounting the Honda for the two-mile spin back down the road to Slattery’s.

“A Honda 50 is a great machine,” says Paudie. ” ‘Tis like an old sheepdog, I’d swear it knows the way up and down to Slattery’s on its own.” He comments.

6.00 pm – Back to the pub (8 pints)

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It being a Tuesday night Paudie only has the eight pints,” I don’t like drinking too heavy on a weeknight,” he comments.

Paudie arrives back at the pub and orders another pint of stout.

11.00 pm – “Time I Was Off” (15 pints)

11:00 pm, After five hours on the bar stool and with 15 pints in him, Paudie decides to call it a day. “God bless all,” he mumbles as he staggers out to the back car park.

After having a quick slash against the wall he mounts the Honda 50 which drives him home, “Just like a good sheepdog,” he repeats.

11.30 pm – And So to Bed (15 pints)

11:30, after finishing the ham sandwich which Betty has thoughtfully left out for him and washing it down with just the one more pint bottle, Paudie climbs the stairs, says his prayers, farts and slips into bed beside Betty. The end of another fun-filled day in Ballymctaggart.

Drink Responsibly

Meanwhile in Ireland would like to remind you to drink responsibly and have your Honda 50 serviced regularly.

Disclaimer

This article is satire. Articles in this section are spoof articles which should not be taken as the truth, nor are they are intended to offend. However, if you are offended, please inform us formally via a letter. You can ensure it gets to us by placing it in the nearest recycling bin.

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Gerald Leinster
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Gerald Leinster is one of Ireland's most noteworthy journalists, columnists and commentator on Irish and international issues. Often accused of being more right-wing than Genghis Khan whom he admires greatly, Gerald is an Oxbridge graduate. He has authored many best-selling books including the recent ' The Margaret Thatcher I knew and Loved' and his previous bestseller 'Reagan, Bush, and Trump -- Gods of Their Time.' In his spare time, you might find Gerald relaxing on a golf course in Kildare, watching International rugby or dining out in Dublin's more fashionable restaurants. Although he strives for a professional journalistic apolitical stance, he feels strongly about the reunification of Ireland and the UK. He also holds membership of both Fine Gael and Fianna Fail.

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