Stewart O’Neill, a 33-year-old Limerick-based accountant analyses his life to date and concludes he must be boring.
Stewart, however, is adamant that the lifestyle which he has chosen is the right one for him and told reporters.
“I decided finding a girlfriend and getting married would be of a particular and strategic advantage, especially in light of the significant long-term monetary savings that could be accrued by pooling financial resources.”
Dating Agency Investment
Stewart went on to say “to achieve my objective of finding the right girl I joined an expensive dating agency. It cost me €395 for six-months. But I looked on it as a recoupable initial investment.” He said.
“However,” he continued,” the results from my personality and compatibility tests weren’t great,” Stewart confessed.
“The only matches that they came back with were from two seventy-five-year-old retired ladies. One was living on an island off Donegal and the other in the mid-lands.”
Dating Agency Response
A spokeswoman for the Forever-Together Dating agency told us, “Well, it was the best we could do given Stewart’s unique personality. Let’s face it, most of our female clients in the thirty-something age group like to be treated on a first date — not subjected to a forensic breakdown of the bill as a cost-sharing measure.”
What Are You Looking For in a Partner?
“Most men write ‘pleasant personality, good looks, easy to laugh with’ on the What Are You Looking For in a Partner section — Stewart wrote, ‘an inflation-proof index-linked pension plan’ on his. We did manage to get him one date with a retired school teacher from Leitrim. Stewart took her to the local library and afterwards to the local pond to feed the ducks, but insisted on splitting the cost of the bread crumbs.” I mean, that sort of says it all, doesn’t it?”
Still Convinced
Still, Stewart is convinced that while his lifestyle may not be for everyone his way of living is the right choice for him.
“I’m not vegan out of any cultural or moral choice,” he told us. “It’s just that significant savings can be made by just eating vegetables. “I’ve worked it out,” he said, “I did a cost analysis and I was shocked to discover that nearly three percent of my weekly outgoings were on meat. That’s simply not sustainable.”
And As For Drink
“I’m not a completely boring person,” Stewart told us. “I attend the office Christmas party every second year and stay for at least an hour. It is good to get out but to be honest I simply just don’t see the point on spending 3.4 percent of my annual disposable income on alcohol when water is so good for you.”
Our Verdict
After listening to Stewart’s story, we here in the Entertainment Department of Meanwhile in Ireland News have also concluded that Steward is a boring old fart.
Disclaimer
This article is satire. Articles in this section are spoof articles which should not be taken as the truth, nor are they are intended to offend. However, if you are offended, please inform us formally via a letter. You can ensure it gets to us by placing it in the nearest recycling bin.
