Local billionaire sends “thoughts and prayers” to Australian wildfire victims

A County Kilkenny man who is reputed to have amassed billions in global speculative trading has taken to social media to express his sympathy with those affected by the Australian wildfires.

James O’Brien, who has worldwide business interests and lives on his private Kilmacbride Estate in County Kilkenny, took to social media to ‘mark himself safe’ from the wildfires on Facebook despite being on the other side of the world relaxing in his Jacuzzi.

Deal with Mr O’Brien sensitively

Credit: Pietro Zanarini / Flickr

Mr O’Brien is well known for marking himself safe on social media during times of natural or manmade tragedy. Dr Jeffery Stevenson, his consultant psychiatrist, said; “I’m asking all you reporters to deal with Mr O’Brien sensitively.

“You see Mr O’Brien as you know is absolutely loaded — he probably owns most of the newspapers and radio or television stations you lot work for.

“But, he suffers from a rare form of narcissism, an excessive interest in or admiration of oneself and one’s physical appearance. Which in layman’s language means he is so far up his own arse he’ll never come back”.

He pays all our salaries

“Look,” Doctor Stevenson went on, “we all know O’Brien is a bit of a dickhead but let’s face it he pays our shagging salaries,” the doctor said, whilst breaking all sorts of doctor/patient confidentiality rules.

Doctor Stevenson went on to outline how O’Brien’s ‘thoughts and prayers’ to the unfortunate people of Australia should be looked at in context before being commented on.

“You see, O’Brien, by ‘marking himself safe’ and by tweeting ‘my thoughts and prayers are with the people of Australia’, is only really trying to make up for being absolutely loaded and not having a care in the world.”

It started with the tsunami

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“It all started just after the 2004 Indian Ocean earthquake and tsunami when O’Brien ‘marked himself safe’ even though he was thousands of fecking miles away at the Curragh Races.

“He then sent his ‘thoughts and prayers’. Prayers me arse. The man has never been inside a church in his life and the only thoughts he has is how to make more bucks,” the doctor added.

“Take the Nepal earthquake. What a big-fecking-deal he made out of that. In the name of Christ, I swear he didn’t even know where Nepal was or never even heard of the place.

“Then all of a sudden he’s all over social media sending his fecking ‘thoughts and prayers to all his ‘friends and family’ in Nepal, the fecking dipstick”, the psychiatrist said.

Take it easy on him

Credit: Lorie Shaull / Flickr

The doctor pleaded with the journalists; “Take it easy on him; write about how great a humanitarian he is. Keep saying he’s great, and all the usual bulls**t you normally reserve for the Pope and the Rose of Tralee or even Bob Fecking Geldof.

“You wouldn’t mind but the Fecker could buy Australia twice over if he fecking wanted. Not that the tight bast**d would ever even think of putting his bloody hand in his fecking pocket. He just wants the rest of the ordinary people to think he has shagging feelings.”

Humanitarian Award

The Government has announced that Mr O’Brien is to be awarded the Irish Man of the Year award for his humanitarian gesture in tweeting his ‘thoughts and prayers.’ Mr O’Brien is reputed to be a heavy contributor to Fine Gael…..Ah, that explains it!