Dublin Castle to be turned into “sheltered accommodation”

The historic Dublin Castle is to be turned into accommodation units to house homeless people and those suffering from various forms of substance abuse, the Government has today confirmed to the media.

The Government has confirmed that plans are being prepared to renovate and alter the castle which dates back to 1204. The plan is to subdivide the building into forty-five self-contained accommodation units which will be used to house homeless persons. 

A further thirty-five units to house residents with substance abuse issues will be located in an extension to the castle which will be built adjoining the existing structure. The press conference to announce the plans was held in Buswells Hotel last night.

Time it got a facelift 

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Dublin Castle and Gardens. Credit: commons.wikime

A leading firm of London architects Bigger and Brighter Designs PLC have been appointed by the Department of Housing to design and oversee the project.

Ms. Gloria Smyth-Jones is Managing Partner and she told the press: “We hope to revitalise the Castle and its surrounding area. We will probably receive tonnes of representations from those interested in architectural heritage, but to be honest, we’ll do the usual ‘we’re taking your views on board’ sort of stuff. 

“In the end, though, the people of Dublin will get what we decide what’s good for them; in all likelihood another great big glass tower sort of yoke,” she admitted, then continued “the Castle has been unaltered for hundreds of years it is about time it got a facelift.

Government pandering

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Credit: commons.wikimedia.org

Government Spokesperson George Stackpool told reporters: “The Government would like the public to see this move as a new approach to solving Dublin’s housing crisis but in fact and strictly off the record it’s basically the government pandering to those left-wing looneys again. 

“Personally, I’d say that since they decided to support the minority government the Lefties are fairly stuck. Seriously they have nothing that they can shagging give out about. This is just another daff scheme to get their names in the papers and divert the public’s minds away from the rest of the shite that’s going on in Leinster House.” 

‘You can quote me’

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The press scrambling to ask the spokesman questions. Credit: commons.wikimedia.org

“Yeah,” Stackpool suggested to the reporters, “you can quote me saying, ‘it’s a grand idea which will enhance the cityscape of Dublin, provide much-needed accommodation for the homeless and of course, it will come in well under budget’. You know the usual crap sort of stuff.”

In a rare moment of honesty for a government spokesperson, he continued his off-the-record remarks by telling the truth. “In all probability, the contract will be given to a mate of Fianna Fail, cost a fecking fortune and take years to complete and probably end up causing another fecking tribunal that will go on and on for years.

“Except for this time, we won’t be able to hold the tribunal in Dublin Castle so it will have to be held in some hotel conference centre which will more than likely be owned by the wife of some minister.” 

That’s how it goes in Ireland

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Credit: commons.wikimedia.org

“But shur isn’t that the way things go in Ireland,” he concluded his remarks and did the usual trick of inviting the press out to the bar for a rake of free booze in the hope that he would get a light touch in the news.