DUP to “seek advice” from Donald Trump to build a secure hard border

The Democratic Unionist Party (DUP) has announced that they are to seek political and technical advice from US President Donald Trump in connection with providing a ‘hard border’ to the six counties of Northern Ireland.

Speaking at a press conference to announce the joint-cooperation project, DUP spokesperson Jeffery Parsons told the media; “We are very impressed with President Trump’s immigration policy and his great success in building a wall between the U.S. and Mexico.”

Fed up with the backstop

“We are becoming more and more fed up with all this wishy-washy talk of ‘Backstops‘ and lines down the Irish Sea, Joint Custom Areas and all the rest of that nonsense. No!” he exclaimed.

Credit: US Customs and Border / Flickr

“What we need and want is a great big brick wall with loads and loads of barbed wire on top — so tight that not even a rabbit can get through. And Trump is the man to get it done.”

President Trump to design the wall

“We are thinking of a scheme where President Trump can design, build and manage the whole project. The President is entirely behind the project and has even sent us some preliminary plans.

“Ok, so, they really were crayon drawings on the back of a cornflake packet, but they got the idea across,” Parsons told the assembled press corps.

Checkpoint Charlie

“When Ulster under a DUP-led Government takes its rightful place among the great nations of the Earth, we unfortunately expect hundreds of thousands of economic migrants to travel northwards from the Free State.

“Let’s face it; who wants that?” he queried. “That’s simply not on. What we need is a Berlin Wall-type structure to keep the Paddies out. And let’s face it again; the Yanks did a good job on that one,” Parsons stressed. 

Wall to be built by the Irish

Parsons went on to reveal that high-level talks had already taken place with President Trump and members of his administration.

“Some of our lads travelled to Washington last month and held secret talks with Donald. To be honest, he gave us some very inspired advice.

“He reminded us that we would need some Paddies to actually do the digging. You have to admit they’re good at that. But that’s it, as soon as they’re finished with the digging and block laying — it’s Out, Out, Out!” he ranted.

Economic advice

Credit: en.wikipedia.org

President Trump gave also gave us some valuable advice about paying for the actual construction of the wall,” Parsons continued after he had cooled down.

“Like, I mean the border between the Six Counties and the Free State is estimated at being 499 k/m long. Now, Donald said it would cost around $12.5 million per kilometre.

“Lucky one of our lads had a calculator with him and he worked it out that a good wall with a bit of broken glass or barbed wire on top would cost around $6237 million.

Credit: Marco Verch Professional Photography / Flickr

“Now I know that’s dollars but it’s still a lot of bucks. So Donald reckons we should get the Paddies to pay for it — after all, if it wasn’t for them we wouldn’t need it,” he concluded.

The Meanwhile in Ireland Political Desk understands the building of a border wall will form another intransigent sticking point in negotiations between the DUP and future British/Irish governments. We wish them the best of luck with it.