Five good reasons to get Coronavirus

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We tasked our regular columnist Gerald Leinster to look at the positive side of the Coronavirus. He writes.

Ok, let’s face it the whole country is in panic mode with this Coronavirsus thingy. Shops running out of loo papers and face masks —  what they have to do with each other is beyond me. But if you think about it, what’s the big deal? In every mass epidemic which has the potential to wipe out the entire human race, there’s bound to be a bit of good news.  

1. Get away from the wife for a bit

There’s nothing wrong with a bit of self-isolation. Why, didn’t Jesus himself go off on his own for forty days and forty nights just to take a bit of a break? And how about that guy in the film — played by Tom Hanks who was marooned on a shagging desert island for years with nothing but a basketball for company. Didn’t do him any harm.

No, we all need a break away, especially if we’re married. The latest figures I’ve seen suggest that couples who rarely see each other are “some of the happiest people in the world.”  

2. Eat and stay for free at some of the country’s finest hospitals

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In fairness to the magnificent Fine Gael Governments of the previous few years, Ireland has one of the best health care systems in the world. Our hospitals are top class and so luxurious in fact that I’ve even heard that some of the poorer classes are queuing just to get a bed.

If you catch or even think you may have caught the virus, take advantage of a short break in a nice hospital. I’m sure if you know someone in authority, they’ll fix you up with a lovely secluded suite away from the riff-raff.    

3. Avail of extended credit

We all remember the heady days of the Celtic Tiger — ah, those were the days. Ok so a few of the boys in Anglo — to use a rugger expression — dropped the ball and some of us experienced and are still experiencing ‘cash-flow issues.’

But fear not, by self-isolating or staying in one of our Fine Gael built five-star hospitals you can give your creditors the slip for two or three weeks. This will allow a bit of breathing space and increase your ‘dosh in hands’ flow.   

4. Easier to get a decent table

As most of us know, it can be nightmarish to get a decent table in Dublin these days. Especially in the better Ballsbridge area, even if you do write a column for MeanwhileinIreland.

Incidentally, I had a marvellous Picard Goat’s Cheese & Spinach Lasagne washed down with a superb Chateau Lafite in Enrique’s last Friday. (Editors Note: Product placement and a bit of name-dropping.)

Anyway, with the entire uncouth crowd not travelling to Dublin because of the virus it should be far easier to book a table at a fashionable eatery. Every Cloud has a silver lining.     

5. Improve your swing

Luckily this virus outbreak thingy has come at a good time as the social scene in Dublin is in a lull period. I’m sure that my friends in Fine Gael will solve it well in time to allow the Horse Show in the RDS to go ahead and everything will be sorted before the summer social season really does get into full swing.

But in the meantime, take advantage of not having to go to work. Get out and about meet your friends at the club, play a few rounds and improve your golf swing. Again you’re highly unlikely to meet ‘the unwashed’ at the better Southside clubs.

So there you have it, five positives to take away from the Coronavirus. Oh, by the way, have you noticed the virus coincidently only emerged in Ireland with the ‘popular’ increase in Sinn Fein votes. Now I’m not casting any aspersions, but…