Health minister orders 18m barrels of flat 7UP to tackle Coronavirus

The Irish Health Minister Simon Harris TD has announced that health authorities will begin distributing degassed 7UP to those experience symptoms of Coronavirus (Covid-19) following a meeting of the country’s Crisis Management Committee.

Speaking to the press, the minister, who was wearing a Ralph Lauren designed facemask. said: “We have eventually decided to take this virus thing fairly seriously and not being a government that sits around all day doing zilch we have an action plan.”

The Plan

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The Health Minister, Simon Harris TD. Credit:

The press briefing was then suspended for a few minutes while the minister searched around in his pockets for the action plan. Unfolding the back of a used envelope which he had eventually found in his arse pocket Harris continued.

“We are going to give away a rake of free flat 7up to everybody who displays any symptoms or has come into contact with anyone else or even to those who have travelled anywhere over the past five years. 

“We’re going to concentrate on those particularly vulnerable people living west of the Shannon who might never have learned to wash their hands properly while growing up,” the minister said as he watched his party’s approval ratings drop even more.

No other country has the Irish Mammie

“One thing we have in Ireland that they don’t have in any other country in the whole wide world or beyond is the Irish Mammie. And the Irish Mammie — just like me own Mammie did, always recommends the glass or two of flat 7UP for all ailments, so she does.” 

Minister Harris became clearly teary-eyed and he hoped that by shedding a tear and mentioning his mammy he might reverse the 45% drop in popularity his party had suffered in the five minutes since he began talking.

Amazing what Flat 7UP can do

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Credit: Mike Mozart / Flickr

The minister went on to explain: “We Googled ‘Flat 7UP’ and were astounded by the scientific proof that decarbonised soft drinks can work wonders. Incidentally, we also learned that Coke can be used to clean grime of coins and a glass of Lilt taken at half-time if you’re knackered playing a hurling match will give you a right buzz altogether. 

“It’s amazing what you’d find on the internet. Although when we initially typed in ‘Flat 7UP’ we got a slightly dodgy Snow White adult movie, but we quickly turned it off after an hour and a bit,” The minister confirmed.

Potential logistics problems

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Minister Harris has been in touch with the Falkland Island. Credit:

Meanwhile in Ireland understands that the distribution of flat 7UP will begin immediately or over the next few months. “We will have some logistical problems sourcing the 7UP from the few remaining countries not affected by the virus but we have made initial connect with the Falkland Islands which are as yet unaffected,” the minister revealed.

At present, the best medical advice available is that if you are displaying signs and symptoms of Covid-19 is to isolate yourself in a darkened room. Then sitting down try to remain calm and control your breathing and by putting your head between your legs you can comfortably kiss your arse goodbye.