‘If life is like a box of chocolates, it doesn’t last long’ confirms fat bastard

A local, big fat bastard astounded friends and family last night when he became deeply philosophical as he stared into his pint.

The incident occurred while Brian Murphy (45), commonly referred to as being a big fat bastard was having a ‘social’ drink with his family — who are the only people who still actually talk to him and one of the two people who still consider him a friend.

Me mammy always said…

“As me mammy always said ‘life is like a box of chocolates’, ” Brian said, causing his mother to wonder when the feck she ever said anything as weird as that, but she decided to let it go as she has learned never to interrupt Brian when he was in one of his ‘fecking moods’.

“Yeah,” Brian continued, “As you always say, Ma, life is like a box of chocolates, and it doesn’t last long.”

Again, causing Mrs Murphy to wonder when she ever came out with such shite, especially to her fat bastard of a son who, to be honest, she couldn’t stick since he turned ten and only talked to when absolutely necessary.

“Jaysus Brian, you’re getting very fecking philosophical, so you are.  It must be the drink,” Siobhan Brian’s elder sister said, “What the feck do you mean?”

Existentialism

“What I mean is,” said Brian, “You goes out and buys a box of Belgian chocolates and you’re sort of looking forward to the nice soft creamy ones, then you struggle through the couple of hard toffee ones that stick in your teeth.

“And eventually, when all the crappy ones that you don’t like are gone and you’re enjoying the nice creamy ones, well, all of a sudden, the fecking box is empty — just like shagging life so it is.”

“Yeah, but I sees what you mean,” said Siobhan, who was on her fourth gin and tonic and, to be honest, wished she had never asked her dick-head of a brother to explain.

Siobhan and Brian never really got on since again when he was about ten she began to notice his nasty streak and particularly when she caught him using her little puppy to bait badgers.

“Never mind seeing what I mean,” said Brian. “Are you not going to buy me a pint out of your dole money, you mean auld bitch?” Brian demanded, looking threateningly at his sister while miming strangling a nonexistent puppy.

Valiant

“Jaysus, Brian. You’re a right hard auld bastard all the same.” was the comment made by Simon — one of Brian’s two friends.

However, Simon secretly couldn’t really stand Brian and only hung around with him to get close to Siobhan.

Simon had fancied Siobhan ever since he was sixteen and was constantly trying to impress her in the hope of getting the leg over, even if it meant putting up with her arseh**e of a brother.

Simon’s valiant attempt at standing up for Siobhan didn’t go unnoticed by Siobhan who went all droopy-eyed. Actually, one of her eyes was constantly droopy ever since Brian poked her with a pencil when they were teenagers.

“Oh Simon,” she said while putting her hand on his knee. “I bet if you were a chocolate, you’d be one of the soft creamy ones.”

Anyway, to make a long story short, we believe that at this stage, Simon and Siobhan left the pub and walked hand in hand back to Simon’s flat where a good time was had — that is until Simon, like a box of chocolates, went soft, creamy, and didn’t last long.