Real IRA issue statement telling Coronavirus it has 48 hours to leave Ireland

The dissident Irish republican paramilitary group calling itself the Real IRA (RIRA) has issued a statement last night giving the Coronavirus just forty-eight-hours to leave Ireland.

Wearing masks to both conceal their identity and prevent the risk of infection four members of what is believed to be the RIRA’s medical advisory subcommittee held a press conference at an undisclosed location in the flat above The Green Parrot Bar and Lounge, somewhere on the Catholic side of the border.

The press conference was attended by five chosen members of the press, three camera crews and the usual four undercover lads from the Garda Special Branch.

The Usual Suspects

Red O’Sullivan, who is group coordinator and events manager for the RIRA spoke to the media as he sat in front of the standard-issue badly pinned up tri-colour. O’Sullivan was flanked by two burly looking lads holding automatic rifles and sharing a bag of chips.

“We are bloody serious this time,” O’Sullivan told the press. “We’re giving the virus forty-eight hours to leave the country — that’s only three days. And I’m telling you here and now if it’s not gone, well then it better be prepared to face the consequences.” He added while thumping the table, causing a bottle of Ballygowan Sparkling to nearly topple over.

Questions

Responding to a question as to what exactly the consequences would be? O’Sullivan replied. “Well let me put it this way. It’s going to be fairly unpleasant for this virus to suddenly find itself hooded and cable-tied in the back of John Joe’s Hiace with the windows blacked out and it heading off to the woods for a beating, isn’t it?” he asked.

“But how can you kidnap a virus?” asked another reporter.

“Ah shur, that’s the easy part,” O’Sullivan explained. “We’ll just do what we normally do. Well get that young-wan Josie who’s always willing to lend a hand for the cause, to open the few buttons on her blouse, lift the skirt a bit and entice the virus into the van for a quickie, so we will. Young Josie would do anything for the republic, so she would.” He said then added, “to be honest there isn’t anything that Josie wouldn’t do for a quickie in the back of a Hiace, Jaysus; she’s a right fecking hot young-wan so she is.”

Informers

The journalist just couldn’t get his head around O’Sullivan’s reasoning and to be honest, at this stage was beginning to doubt the qualifications of the RIRA’s medical advisory subcommittee but persisted with his questioning. “How can you kidnap something that isn’t human?” He asked, pushing for an answer.

“Didn’t we kidnap plenty of Brit informers back in the day, shur you’d hardly call a fecking informer a human, now would you?” O’Sullivan answered and chambered a round in his Glock 17, as a hint to the reporter that he’d be well-advised not to pursue this line of tricky questions. The reporter lad took the hint and dropped the questioning.

MeanwhileinIreland can report a significant increase in the numbers of kneecapped and limping viruses seen packed up and heading for ferries out of Ireland.