Ireland to introduce a one-child policy to reduce ‘excessive’ dole queues

Responding to a massive increase in unemployment figures, the Irish Government plans to introduce limits on family sizes in an attempt to tackle the spiralling societal issue.

The Department of Finance confirmed today that it has been instructed by the present caretaker government to prepare a policy document for Cabinet approval outlining proposals to stem the rise in unemployment figures.

Speaking to the press, Finance Spokesperson Finbar O’Donaghue said; “The present rise in unemployment figures is of great concern. And the trend is expected to continue. The Department has been tasked with coming up with a novel solution to reduce the burden on the exchequer going forward,” he said.

The Minister’s opinion on the matter 

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The Finance Minister speaking to the press.

O’Donaghue was joined at by the Minister for Lack of Public Expenditure and Little Reform Paschal Donovan who said; “Let’s face it. You can tart it up all you want, call it Job Seekers Allowance or whatever else those left-wing pansies want but The Dole is still the dole — money for sitting on your arse all day. It can’t be allowed to go on! We have to think about the Future. 

“There are 61,000 children born in Ireland each year. Taking the signing on age as it currently stands as eighteen and the ever-decreasing mortality rate there will be simply too many people eligible to draw the dole in the coming years.

“The stats above, by the way, are all down this government’s absolutely fantastic health-service, coupled with the declining economic situation — a situation I may add which was brought about by global factors and not because of this government’s fiscal policies, which again like our health service are absolutely fantastic.”

Multiple Government proposals

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A leaked copy of a White Paper outlining the new measures shows that the proposals to curb the increasing birth rate will include: stiff penalties for women who give birth to more than one child, abolishing maternity leave and a raising of the age of consent to twenty-eight.

“These new measures will not only cut down on dole queues but will also reduce the number of scroungers looking for free housing, health-care and schools for their offspring,” the minister said. 

“As a government, we have excelled at providing excellent health, education, housing and other social services. But we are not magicians. This ever-increasing birth rate has to stop,” he emphatically added.

Limitations included 

A rural area in County Donegal which would be exempt from the Government’s new proposals. Credit: Andrew Hurley / Flickr

Meanwhile in Ireland’s economic team understand that the proposals limiting more than one child will be introduced before the end of the year. Exceptions to the scheme are being considered for areas subject to rural population decline such as Donegal and West Cork along with exemptions for those who consistently vote Fine Gael.