Irish Government rejects British offer of custody of County Fermanagh

Irish nationalist citizens of County Fermanagh were left reeling late last night when it emerged that the Irish Government “emphatically” rejected the British Government’s offer of permanent custody of the county. 

In a generous offer from the British Prime Minister Boris Johnson, the South of Ireland was to grow by one county as Fermanagh would officially join the Irish Republic. 

Justifying his refusal, Taoiseach Leo Varadkar told reporters that “the time is not right for unity” and that the people of Fermanagh “are not the type we want in our Republic, anyway”. 

The British Government offer 

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Credit: BackBoris 2012 Campaign / Flickr

As a gesture of thanks and a hope for a new start between the two nations, Boris Johnson offered Leo Varadkar the North-Western county after Brexit was finally about to get done. 

Sources close to Downing Street believe that Johnson was convinced by his aides that Fermanagh was “by far the worst” of the six counties in the North of Ireland, but offering it to Leo “would look like a good gesture”. 

“We actually surmised that it would work out the best for Britain. Fermanagh never gave the British Government anything but Arlene Foster. Ask Teresa May how that went …” a Government official told Meanwhile in Ireland. 

Irish Government’s refusal 

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Credit: Liam Lysaght / Flickr

Boris Johnson made the offer in person to the Taoiseach after the British Premier addressed the Dáil, a speech which was attended by only a handful of TD’s. 

Varadkar is believed to have point blank refused the offer, owing not only to his anti-Irish unity tendencies but general scepticism of Fermanagh itself and the people who inhabit the county.

‘I do what’s best for Ireland’ 

Speaking to a press gathering at Dublin’s Mansion House, Varadkar portrayed himself as the statesman of the day, seemingly unbeknownst to the Michael Collins portrait that flanked his right-side. 

“My role as Taoiseach, first and foremost, requires me to protect the interests of Ireland and its people, and I, along with my colleagues in the cabinet, are of the firm belief that having Fermanagh join the Republic would damage Ireland’s interests and her people. 

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Credit: commons.wikimedia.org

“As soon as I was informed of the Prime Minister’s kind gesture, I rejected the idea out of hand. I then called Arlene Foster to let her know and she was delighted with my choice, so I think that proves me right,” Varadkar said, to a chorus of sighs from Republican journalists. 

Riots in Enniskillen 

Riots have since broken out in the town of Enniskillen, Fermanagh in the wake of the Taoiseach’s refusal to have Fermanagh come on board. Irish nationalists in the town took out their anger by storming Enniskillen Castle and demanded that Varadkar revise his choice. 

Unionist occupants of the town, and those across the North in general, reacted with delight and generally agreed that the Taoiseach “isn’t that bad after all”. The DUP sent a letter of appreciation to the Taoiseach’s office, who received the letter warmly. 

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Enniskillen Castle. Credit: commons.wikimedia.org

Johnson not fussed 

Meanwhile in Ireland can also confidently disclose that Boris Johnson “isn’t fussed at all” with Varadkar’s decision. Apparently, Johnson could “give a f**k what happens over there” as long as it has “nothing to do with me”. More as we have it.