Irish Government to accept UK refugees after Brexit

The Irish government has announced that it will accept a number of British refugees after Brexit.

Speaking at Taoiseach’s questions in the Dáil today, the Taoiseach Leo Varadkar told the House that the Republic would be open to accepting “its fair share” of British refugees in the event of a No-Deal or Hard Brexit.

Taoiseach’s Speaks to Dáil

“Let’s be open and honest here,” the Taoiseach said. “We as a nation need to face up to a few facts.

“Britain is in the midst of a constitutional crisis, the country is akin to a rudderless ship sailing in stormy waters on a dark and dismal night, too close to the rocks and without a captain or competent crew.” Said Varadkar — who is known for his overuse of metaphors.

“This is bound to lead to a massive economic crisis in the UK, the likes of which has not been seen since Fianna Fail went and strangled the Celtic Tiger.” The Taoiseach — who had obviously forgotten his own party’s part played in Ireland’s recession — said.

“Ireland has often used the ‘boat train’ to Britain in those dark and dismal years when we couldn’t find work for our own or even feed them; the years when Fianna Fail led the Republic and abandoned its people.

“Those years before the glorious Fine Gael government resumed power and brought about the prosperity which we now enjoy.” Leo told the House, slightly beginning to lose the run of himself.

“No!” the Taoiseach continued. “Ireland will not be found wanting when it comes to accepting our fair share of economic migrants from a recession-hit country which we expect to be riddled by civil strife and mass unemployment.”

Phone call with the Queen of England

Leo then proceeded to relay to the House the contents of a telephone conversation he had had earlier with Queen Elizabeth II.

“I feel for the poor woman,” he told the assembled TDs, some of whom were beginning to doze off on the backbenches.

“Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. I said to her.”

Leo told the remaining still awake politicians, blatantly plagiarising from the Statue of Liberty inscription — not that anyone noticed.

Then he finished up by saying “I lift my lamp beside the Golden Door,” or some other equally obscure bullsh**e.

The Arrangements

A leaked government document detailing plans for accepting economic refugees from Britain has been seen by Meanwhile in Ireland’s News Team.

The leaked plan contains Ireland’s commitment to taking four or five (definitely no more than six) English migrants, provided, of course, that they speak fluent Irish, play a decent game of hurling and have private health insurance.

Oh yeah, the plan also states that applicants for asylum stand a much better chance of acceptance if they can prove a history of donations to Fine Gael.