I’ve no idea how I got an STI, claims local barebacker

A local 23-year-old man has absolutely no idea how he picked up a sexually transmitted infection while engaging in unprotected sexual intercourse.

Jimmy Smith — name changed to protect James Mulligan of 47 O’Connell Street, Tralee’s identity —  swore blind to his mates and his doctor that he should not have picked up an STI. And simply doesn’t know how the feck it happened.

Speaking in the pub after his visit to the local STI clinic, Jimmy who had at this stage had removed the false beard and balaclava which he had been wearing for his appointment said.

Must Have Been the Toilet Seat

“Ah, for Jaysus sake it must be those dirty toilet seats in Murphy’s Pub. Seriously, lads, I’ve never been anywhere near one of them slut-wans. Jaysus all the young-wans I’ve done lately were a decent class of woman.

“Take your-wan Jossie I was with last Friday, I mean for feck-sake she works in the bank. Or Francie the weekend before last, she’s a teacher for feck-sake.

“And you can’t tell me that Bridie from Lidl sleeps around, like seriously, she’s a manager or something — she doesn’t just work at the check-out. Anyway me and her only did it the once.

“Anyway I hates wearing fecking condoms, shur, you might as well have the fecking thing laminated.”

Jimmy Expands

Pressed by his friends to expand, Jimmy explained how he first thought he might have contracted an infection.

“Well, ’twas like this.” He told his mates. “I got up the other morning and you know the way you’d always have a bit of a woody in the mornings when you wake up.

“Well, this morning when I went for a slash I noticed that ‘himself’ had a bit of a discharge and it hurt like hell when I peed.”

“At first I thought that I’d got a bit of a rash or something from Paddy Mc Donagh’s towel that I had to use the other night after training. But no, the doctor at the clinic said it definitely was an STI. And unless Paddy and I were ‘doing the dirty’ it had to be from some bird I shagged.”

At this stage, Paddy McDonagh who was in the pub and listening exclaimed: “You can bet your shagging life we’re not and that’s the last time I’ll lend you a towel you Muppet!”

Responding To Questions

Responding to questions from his mates — well, at least those mates that were left in the bar as quiet a few of them had suddenly gone to the toilets to check themselves out — Jimmy went on to say.

“The doctor at the clinic advised me to contact all the women I had slept with over the past two months — I mean Jaysus, shur that would take forever. Like what do I do? I mean the last two months?

“Shur that includes the night the senior team won the county championship and the night that hen-party was in town. Jaysus, I must have done four or five those nights. Ah, Jaysus wept,” he exclaimed.

Meanwhile in Ireland has learned that Jimmy’s doctor has advised Jimmy to only take part in maintaining a long-term monogamous relationship.

We have also learnt that the poor misfortunate Jimmy is busy googling Ryanair flights to Monogmia.