Lads issue urgent appeal for missing man ‘presumed to be in relationship’

A group of friends have appealed for the public’s help in locating a missing man. The appeal was made over social media and ads have been taken out in the local newspaper as the lads hope to discover the whereabouts of one of their own.

A close-knit group of men mostly in their early thirties have launched a campaign aimed at finding Timmy Murphy (29) who has been missing from the bedsit he shares with two others in Carrick County, Tipperary. 

Hasn’t been seen in 3 weeks

“We’re seriously worried about Timmy,” a spokesman for the group said. “None of the lads has had sight nor sound of him in about three weeks,” John O’Neill told the unusually concerned journalists.

Local green-grocer and part-time psychologist Thomas Ryan told reporters: “Ah, Jaysus lads this is fecking serious, so it is. Timmy is genuinely ‘one-of-the-lads,’ so he is. He wouldn’t go wandering off without good reason. That’s why we suspect foul-play, so we do.” 

‘Must be in a relationship’

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“He must be in a relationship, so he must.” Seaney Ryan — no relation to any previously mentioned Ryan — said. “I’ve heard tell of it happening before — some innocent young-fella falling prey to a young-wan.

“You see,” Seaney went on to explain. “Some lads as they grow too auld to tog out for the hurling and realise that they’ll never play for the county, find their mind’s turning to sex. 

“And any young-wan in a tight black skirt and white blouse with thigh length leather boots and wearing a splash of perfume can easily lead them astray, so they can,” he said as he worked up a bit of a sweat while getting sidetracked in fantasy.

Gardaí involved

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Credit: wikipedia.org

Local garda sergeant Paddy Ryan — again a different branch of the Ryan family — confirmed that the Gardaí were treating the case as an abduction. “We’ve put posters up on the three lampposts in Carrick,” he said. “And we’ve asked both the supermarkets in town to keep an eye out for Timmy. 

“The detective boys in Dublin told us that often times if a lad has been abducted and in a relationship with a young-wan they can be dragged into doing the shopping, so they can. So that’s where we might have the best chance finding him.”

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Sergeant Ryan describe Tommy as being “five-foot and four inches and of medium build but with a bit of a bear-belly on him. He has red hair that used to be longer when he was a teenager and played centre-back for the parish.” 

The garda also revealed to the press that “he was last seen wearing a class of a sweater and a pair of trousers. He also has a bit of a twist to his nose from a belt of a hurley he got when he played under-fourteen.”

Direct appeal to the girl

John Joe Ryan, who is the manager of the parish hurling team, added, “We are appealing directly to the young-wan who may have abducted Timmy to give him back. He still has a good season left in him, so he has.”

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The Kilkenny senior hurling team. Credit: commons.wikimedia.org

He added that if the kidnapper is really that desperate for a relationship she should try the neighbouring County Kilkenny as they have plenty of centre-backs and wouldn’t miss one or two. Prudent advice from a Tipp man.