A multi-disciplined scientific study has concluded that the Loch Ness Monster doesn’t and never did exist.
The study carried out by a joint group of researchers based at Edinburgh University took more than ten years to reach their startling findings and has thrown the Scottish tourist industry into turmoil.
Scottish Museum of Natural Scientific Stuff
The study group led by Dr Hamish McTaggart a senior lecturer in marine biology at Edinburgh University have published their findings which went on public display two weeks ago and have since been circulated widely throughout the scientific press.
At a press conference held in the Scottish Museum of Natural Scientific Stuff, Dr Mc Taggart debunked many of the so-called myths about the monster.
First Sighting
“People must remember that the first reported sighting was in 1871 when a laddie by the name of D. Mackenzie swore blind that he saw and here I use a scientific term ‘a great big yoke’ swimming away beyond in the loch.”
“What people don’t realise Mackenzie was partial to a wee dram and two days later he also reported seeing a pink elephant cycling through Glenurquart Village Square. Aye, Old Mackenzie was a fine bonny lad but always the worst from the drink.”
1934 Sighting
Another famous sighting of Nessie was on 5 January 1934 when motorcyclist, Arthur Grant, claimed to have hit the Nessie with his Honda 50 near Abriachan. According to Grant, it had a small head attached to a long neck.
Grant claims that the “monster” was injured and ran off to disappear in the Loch.
Dr Mc Taggart also debunked this sighting saying ” we carried out extensive research into old newspaper reports of that time and noticed that a circus was visiting Abriachan that week and they had reported that one of their giraffes had prised the lid of a barrel of local whiskey got pissed then went ape-shit and escaped. The body of the giraffe was later found washed up on the lakeshore. But no one reported that did they, the cute buggers,” he commented.
Susan Boyle
Referring to a recent sighting of a double-humped whale-like creature seen floating on the lake surface near Urquhart Castle Dr Mc Taggart dismissed this saying “we have proof positive that sighting was your-wan from Britain’s Got Talent, Susan Boyle doing the backstroke.”
“No!” Dr Mc Taggart exclaimed. “We have closely examined all those so-called sightings and we’ve concluded that quite frankly they’re a load of — as we smart scientist fellas say — shite.”
The group reports catalogues a list of experiments that they carried out over the years. These include water sampling, sonar searches and even sending a two-man submarine to the bottom of the lake. None of these measures found any sighting of Nessie.
Dr Mc Taggart told us “all we fecking found was one hundred and three old bicycles and two dozen Lidl shopping carts. Nope, there is definitely no Lough Ness Monster.”
Subsequently to issuing his report and in an attempt to finally put the Monster theory to rest Dr Mc Taggart bravely covered his body in Marmite and went swimming in the lake. We regret to report that he hasn’t be seen since.
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