A Limerick man has admitted to a few casual friends that he has reached the conclusion that he may have a problem with alcohol and that it might be affecting his general health.
Joe O’Shea (35) of Springfield Meadows in Raheen, Limerick City, made the announcement early yesterday morning after waking up with the mother of all hangovers. O’Shea was speaking candidly to casual acquaintances in the Spotted Hen Pub.
‘Time I copped myself on’
“Ah Jaysus, me head is killing me and me stomach thinks it’s the fecking son of a tumbler dryer that mated with a septic tank. I’m after spending twenty-five-minutes in the loo and I’m still not right.” O’Shea then went on to warn fellow customers to wait half an hour or so before using the pub toilets.
“No, but seriously lads, I think it’s time I copped myself on. Like, it’s not as if I’m in me twenties anymore. Jaysus, back then I could sink a rake of beer and get up and do a days work. Nowadays I’m fecking wrecked the next morning even after having the fifteen pints.
“Shur Jaysus, that’s not even two gallons,” he lamented. O’Shea, who has been on sick-leave for the past eighteen-months, went on to say; “If it wasn’t for the doctor giving me the sick-notes every week I’d be lost.”
From eighteen to fifteen a day
“To be honest lads,” he continued telling his equally hung-over fellow drinkers, “me doctor is fairly sound. He keeps doling out the auld sick notes for me dodgy knee — just as well really, to be honest, I can’t even remember where I’m supposed to be working.
“Although, he did get a bit narked with me last week about me drinking, said I should cut it down, so I did — I dropped from the eighteen-pints a day down to the fifteen, so that sort of proves I’m no alco, doesn’t it?” he asked his equally inebriated companions, who were barely awake at this stage.
It is widely believed that O’Shea’s day revolves around rolling out of bed at ten every morning then stumbling down the road to the Spotted Hen for “a bit of a fry-up” to line the stomach followed by a quick shot of brandy also ‘to line the stomach’ before then going on the pints.
Brandy to start the day
“Like, I don’t really drink shots, except for the odd glass of brandy to kick-start the day,” he told the other lads at the bar who at this stage were well settled into downing pints. “But for feck-sake, you’d imagine that fifteen pints a day wouldn’t do you no harm.
“Maybe I’m getting old or maybe I’ve got an ulcer or maybe the beer lines here need cleaning — but Jaysus me stomach is fecked,” he said, before surmising; “No, the stomach is me problem, not the drink, it must be dirty beer lines!”
Blame the beer lines
Meanwhile in Ireland have contacted the Medical Council of Ireland for an opinion on O’Shea’s drinking problems — they concur that it must definitely be the dodgy beer-lines. More on it when we have it.