‘Men are like floor tiles – if laid right you can walk all over them’ says wife

An outspoken Irish wife has shocked friends, family and her large social media following when she took to her Facebook page and gave her unsolicited opinion on relationships and how to deal with men in them.

Janice Jones, who recently celebrated her fourth wedding anniversary, caused the reaction when she proclaimed: “Men are like floor tiles, lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them.” 

Friend left confused

“I don’t get you at all Janice, what exactly do you mean?” asked Bridget who is Janice’s oldest, closest and perhaps most dim-witted single friend. “Ah for the love of God Bridget ’tis no wonder you can never get a man to stay with you for more than a week,” replied Janice. 

“What I mean is when and if you decide to let a man ‘go the whole hog’ with you for the first time you better make sure you rock his socks off. Like, give him the time of his life — if you know what I mean?” she asked. 

“Oh, you’re talking about doing that sex stuff?” Bridget, who had eventually copped on, asked. “But I still don’t get the reasoning behind giving him a great time the first time, and then just the usual mediocre stuff from then on.”

Not rocket science

“Ah Jaysus Bridget ’tis like a heroin addiction thing. You see, if you get them hooked with fantastic sex on your first encounter they’ll always be chasing the dragon, so to say. 

“Men are funny like that. Once they’ve had brilliant mind-blowing sex they’ll keep looking and looking for it again and within in a few weeks you’ll have them eating out of your hand, begging for a repeat performance, so they will,” Janice said forcefully.

“In fairness, it’s not rocket science. Unlike women, men don’t use their brains to think. Their thought process begins that little bit further south than their head — if you get my drift?” she asked Bridget, who, to be completely honest, had very little knowledge of what went on south of a man’s belt-line.

Like training a puppy

“It’s kind of like training a puppy. You give them treats at the start then withdraw the treats and pretty soon you have them sitting up and begging for it,” Janet said, starting to sound like a real expert on the issue.

“Jaysus Janet that’s fecking great advice altogether,” said Bridget, who was reaching into her handbag for a pencil and notebook. “I’m going to write this down so I don’t forget it, you know me I have a head like a sieve.”

“Well you should,” Janice replied. Honestly, it’s how I keep my husband Peter under control. I gave him absolutely great sex day-one, and plenty of it for the first year of our marriage now I have him weaned off it altogether. 

“Oh, he still wants it and will do anything I ask just to get the leg over. But he’s lucky to get it once every couple of months, so he is. I have him just where I want him.”

Backfired on Janet

Meanwhile in Ireland have since learned that Janice left the coffee morning that bit early and went home only to find her husband Peter who had also read Janice’s post, upstairs in bed with Sussie, the young single girl who had just moved in next door. Seemingly Peter got tired of waiting. Ah well, that will teach her.