Study finds that men spend 4.8 years ‘hiding from wives in the toilet’

A recently published scientific study has concluded that the average married man spends four years and nine months hiding from their wives in bathrooms.

The study involved over five years of research by Professor Charles G. Goodbody and was published last week by the Psychology Digest of Ireland. Professor Goodbody’s research concludes definitively what most men had known for years.

Goodbody’s clinical trials

“It’s the only place where I can find a bit of peace,” was the comment made by one of Goodbody’s clinical subjects who agreed to partake in the study. “It began not long after we got married,” he stated.

“The first few years were grand,” Gerard from Cork said in his case notes. “But then the shagging nagging started. Jaysus, I couldn’t get a bit of head-space. I had nowhere that I could totally call my own.

“I mean ’twas grand when I lived at home with the mammy — at least we didn’t share the same bedroom and she copped on after I reached puberty that me bedroom was a ‘no-go’ area.

“But the wife is a different kettle of fecking fish so she is,” Gerard told researchers. “Jaysus, as we share the same bedroom I’ve nowhere just to get away from her — the bathroom is the only sanctum I have left,” Gerard told researchers.

The tale of Billy

Billy is another subject who partook in Professor Goodbody’s clinical trials. His story is similar to Gerard’s, which also traces its roots back to puberty and youthful adolescence.

“You see,” Billy’s notes read, “when we were young fellas at school — it was a mixed school — the toilets were the only place me and the lads could go without fear of the girls overhearing us or asking what we were doing.

“The Jacks was the only place we the lads could tell dirty-jokes or look at pictures of them page-three women. That sort of stuff is important when you’re fifteen. I suppose the Jacks became a sort of a safe place, where boys could be boys and get away from the young-wans.”

Study reveals a trend in the actions of men

Professor Goodbody’s study shows up some interesting statistics relating to men hiding out from their wives in bathrooms. It concludes that most men – during the early stages of marriage – disappear when the mother-in-law decides to visit.  

Additionally, as the couple start a family of their own, the husband will often take to the bathroom at baby feeding and changing times to avoid the gruelling endeavour.

As the couple mature the husband often finds that the bathroom can be used to avoid household chores, cutting the grass being the most common cause followed closely by painting the front room.

Weekends the most popular time for hibernation

Weekends appear to be the most popular period for men to hibernate in bathrooms. Professor Goodbody put this down to men having to spend on average forty-eight hours in the company of there spouses.

“For most men this ‘together time’ that women crave is excessive and many men find solace in the bathroom where they can find a modicum of peace and solitude,” the Professor concluded.

Government response

As a response to Professor Goodbody’s findings, an Irish Government spokesperson said that the government is considering making grants available for retrofitting and renovating the bathrooms of men in need.

The grants will partially cover the installation of adequate soundproofing, sound systems, WiFi, carpets and double-locked doors. In exceptional cases, the provision of a drinks cabinet may be allowable.