Non-alcoholic drinks to be ‘banned’ from Irish pubs as they now ‘offend drinkers’

Non-alcoholic drinks to be ‘banned’ from Irish pubs as they now ‘offend drinkers’

The new Fianna Fail-led Irish Government is said to be considering plans to ban the sale of non-alcoholic drinks in Irish pubs, according to the Government’s spokespeople. 

The move is seen as part of an attempt to introduce a proactive politically correct ethos in government and is said to have originated directly from the Office of the Taoiseach itself.

Press conference to reveal the ban

It was at a press conference where it was revealed that non-alcoholic drinks would be banned.

Speaking to the press outside Government Buildings, Cynthia O’Reilly, spokesperson for the Taoiseach, told reporters, “with this new three-party coalition we need to be very ‘politically correct.’

“Let’s face it, it’s difficult enough not to upset the bloody fine Gael Blue-Shirt crowd but to try to keep the tree-hugging Greens on-side as well is almost shagging impossible,” she said then continued; “That shower take offence at the slightest little thing.

“Most Fianna Fail meetings across the country are held in local pubs and many of our party grass-root members are offended by the high lighted display of non-alcoholic drinks.

“The new Taoiseach is cognizant of this and to be honest, is in enough trouble with his own party after getting into bed with the Blue Shirts — he really doesn’t need any more hassle.”  

‘Hard-drinking’ Fianna Fail leaders

Michael Martin is said to want to impress former 'hard-drinking' Fianna Fail leaders with the move.
credit: commons.wikimedia.org

“The Taoiseach is also aware,” according to the spokesperson, “that there has always been a proud tradition in Fianna Fail of ‘hard-drinking’ leaders. He feels that this move to ban non-alcoholics drinks from bars will earn him a few brownie points with the Fianna Fail grassroots.”

The spokesperson continued; “The Taoiseach is, as you know, a very mild-mannered man who feels that the blatant display of non-alcoholic drinks on bar shelves may in some incidences offend the vast majority of drinkers.”

She further elaborated; “Yes, some soft drinks are ok, for example the plan to ban soft drinks will exclude those drinks which are normally used as mixers i.e. tonic with gin or coke with vodka. But anyone found drinking these ‘girly drinks’ on their own will be liable for an on-the-spot fine.” 

Economic knock-on effect post-Covid

The Government is predicting a sharp up-town in economic fortunes following the move.

It is believed that the proposal may also be an attempt by the new Taoiseach to put a positive spin on the recent revelations concerning a prominent minister and past drink-driving charges.

Some political commentators are reporting that the move will also have positive knock-on effects for the post-Covid Irish economy in that, by encouraging the public to forgo sobriety, it will not only benefit the suffering vintners but also stimulate the general economy. 

Thoughts from a leading economist

What the country needs is drunk people spending money, according to a leading Irish economist.

The leading economist Dr Jeffery Stevens has said that “everyone knows that the drunker the public get the more compliant they become and good sense goes out the window. What Ireland needs now is a population of drunks pi**ed out of their skulls and spending money like it’s going out of fashion.

“If the government get this right,” Dr Stevens said, “soon we’ll be back to the heady party days of the Celtic tiger, only this time without the shagging money to back it up.”