The budget airline Ryanair has announced that it is to introduce strict fines for passengers who exceed the accepted body-mass-index, in a move likely to cause mass condemnation.
All intending passengers will be subjected to a boarding gate examination and the extra payment will be required for those passengers who exceed the proscribed norms as laid down by the Airline Medical Council.
Ryanair’s plan to make more money
Speaking at a press conference to announce details of the new measures and charges, Mr Donald P James, who is Ryanair’s newly appointed Fleet Manager, had plenty to say about the matter.
“I was asked to come up with some ideas to get money flowing into the company and to cut down on costs. Weigh is the highest contributor to airline costs — let’s face it you never see a fat bird flying in the sky do you?” he asked.
“The heavier a plane is the more fuel it uses. We in Ryanair are going to change that by cutting down on the overall weight of our aircraft and limit the amount of fatsos we carry. Or if we have to carry them they can pay extra.”
Just in it for the money
“We’ll probably spin it like we are doing something good for our passenger’s health, like when McDonald’s came up with selling grossly overpriced salads. But, let’s face it, we’re only in it to make bucks,” the airline spokesman said in a rare moment of honesty.
“We’re fairly sick to the teeth of all these fatso passengers waddling up and down the aisles trying to lift their stupid bags up to the overhead lockers. It takes ages to get the plane off the ground.
“Jaysus, you should see the arses on some off them. And I mean our seats are narrow enough, like some of them take up the whole shagging row,” he pontificated before continuing.
“For feck sake, we had a woman on a flight last week and she needed two fecking seatbelt extensions and at one stage she farted, talk about in-flight turbulence, the bloody pilot had to deploy the oxygen masks and divert to Shannon”.
Ryanair to update booking apps
It is believed that the airline’s body-mass policy will require passengers to enter their body-mass details online when making bookings. Ryanair is upgrading its online booking apps to include a body-mass scanner.
Mr James told reporters “our new booking site apps will include interaction with the phone or iPad’s camera that will allow intending passengers to take a photo of both their stomachs and rear ends.
“The app will then calculate the overall body-mass of the passenger. The heavier you are the more you’ll pay. We are also going to have suitably sized seats at the Boarding Gate, sort of like the ones we use for carry-on luggage, well, if you don’t fit in, you’re fecked.”
Other measures under consideration
Meanwhile in Ireland understands that other costs saving measures are also being considered by the airline. These include charges for using the toilets and a related charge for not using the toilets.
Charges for not buying the on-board overpriced food will be introduced and passengers will also be expected to leave tips for the flight crew and pilots, it is believed.