Study finds 72% of healthy Irish men ‘now alcoholics’ after lockdown

Shocking figures show that 72% of Irishmen have turned into alcoholics after living with Lockdown and working from home.

A recently concluded report published by the Government’s Strategic Information Analysis Board has highlighted that 72% of Irishmen aged between 32 and 60 had substantially increased their alcohol intake over the Lockdown period.

Many are — according to the far-reaching and comprehensive report commissioned by the Taoiseach’s office — falling into the classification of functioning alcoholics.

Dr Jeffery Stevens, who is Chief Statistician with responsibility for Social and Health matters with the Board, spoke to the press at an organised media event to publicise the report.

Frightening facts revealed

A number of frightening facts were revealed in the report released by the Irish Government.

Our figures are frightening,” he said. “We were truly shocked at the results of the survey. And some of the stories of the men and how they fell foul to the Demon Drink are heart-breaking,” Dr Stevens, himself a non-drinker, said.

Dr Stevens recounted the story of one man, Jim (which is not his real name). “Jim tried to do everything right, so he did. As the Lockdown and working from home looked imminent he did what most wives told their husbands to do and as he was sent out for ‘essentials’.

“He made sure they had the six-dozen bulk packets of toilet paper, the ten-dozen frozen pizzas and enough cans of baked beans to make the College of Cardinals fart. The unfortunate thing is he stopped at the off-licence on the way home thinking he might buy a few cans of beer.”

“Jaysus, that was his first mistake. You see, as Jim entered the local off-licence, he noticed massive queues of panicked lads stocking up on bloody great pallets of beer, and buying vodka and gin by the cartload.”

It’s all psychology

"It's all psychology," according to Dr Stevens.
Credit: commons.wikimedia.org

“It’s all psychology, Dr Stevens explained. “The body craves what it thinks it can’t have. So Jim fell into the trap, just like all the others and maxed out his credit cards on crates of beer and litres of vodka for him and a few dozen bottles of Chardonnay for herself.”

The survey threw up some interesting similarities in the way that the Lockdown affected those who were surveyed as part of the Board’s study. Dr Stevens explained.

“Jim’s story is typical of the stories of those countless men who worked from home,” according to Dr Stevens. Countless numbers of other unfortunate men could easily relate to Jim’s tragic story.

The first few days went well

It all went downhill when Jack from Accounts cracked open a can of Stella during a Zoom meeting.

“It appears that the first couple of days of Jim’s working from home, like all the other men surveyed was grand. The working from home was great craic. Then the kids started getting bored and the wife wanted more and more shagging housework done.

“Jim missed the banter of his normal day to day interaction with colleagues. A few of his workmates decided to hold Zoom meetings in the afternoon.

“That was all well and good until one afternoon Jack from accounts, who was Zooming from his spare bedroom, cracked open a can of Stella. Shur, it wasn’t long before they were all at it.”

Wasn’t long before meetings lasted three hours  

“As the ‘meetings’ went on they were all sinking booze to beat the band, so they were,” the Doctor explained. “It wasn’t long before Simon the Group Manager suggested that they extend the ‘meetings’ to three hours a day and in an effort to foster interdepartmental cooperation.”

It also appears that the cost of the booze was an allowable company expense and could be claimed in the normal way. In the second-week of Lockdown the starting times for the meetings were brought forward to 11:00 am and the finishing times extended to 5:00 pm.

It is unknown the amount of alcohol that was consumed but very little actual work was done. Most of the employees even offered to do unpaid overtime and stayed online until way into the night just sinking beers and having the craic.

Singing rebel songs on Zoom

Everyone was singing rebel songs on work Zoom meetings, which became common place during lockdown.

Meanwhile in Ireland has learned that Jim’s boss Simon has been sacked after footage of him singing rebel songs during a Zoom meeting went viral.

We also understand that most major international companies located in Dublin’s Financial Docklands Area are urgently seeking addiction counsellors to mentor staff.

We would also advise that persons wishing to claim the reimbursement of monies spent on off-licences as an allowable work-related expense should seek independent financial advice.