Top 5 best Paddy Irishman jokes

The Irish are known for their wit and humour, and when it comes to Irish jokes, there is one kind that reigns supreme. The Paddy Irishman joke!

From jokes about Irish fondness of alcohol to quips about married life, here are the five best Paddy Irishman jokes.

Whether you need a joke to lighten the mood or break the ice when meeting new people, these are sure to get the whole room laughing.

5. The perfect number of shots – perfected the art

The perfect number of shots.
Credit: Pixabay / Jagga

First up on our list of best Paddy Irishman jokes is this one about Paddy at the pub.

Paddy, being a typical Irishman, walks into a bar. He sits down and asks for ten shots of the establishment’s finest single malt whiskey.

The bartender pours the shots, and Paddy immediately takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor.

He then takes the last one in the and does the same.

The bartender, shocked, asks him, “Why did you do that?”

Paddy replies, “Well, the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick!”

4. Paddy’s wife can’t hear – or can she?

One of the funniest Paddy Irishman jokes is about Paddy and his wife.
Credit: Pixabay / lecreusois

Paddy was worried that his wife Mary’s hearing wasn’t as good as it used to be. So he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Unsure how to bring up the issue with her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The doctor said, “There’s a simple, informal test you could perform to get a better idea about her hearing loss.

“Here’s what you do,” said the doctor. “Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone to see if she hears you.”

He continued, “If not, stand about 30 feet away, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”

So Paddy left the doctors and decided to head to the pub before going home.

Later that day, when he gets home from the pub, he sees Mary in the kitchen cooking dinner. Standing in the hallway, Paddy thinks to himself; I’m about 40 feet away now. Let’s try this test and see what happens.

Paddy needs his hearing tested.
Credit: Pixabay / williamsje1

In a normal conversational tone, he asks, “Mary, what’s for dinner, my lovely?”

He is greeted with no response, so he moves closer. Stopping at around 30 feet from her, he says, “Mary, what’s for dinner ?”

Still no response, so he moves closer to about 20 feet away.

He asks, for a third time, “Mary, for christ’s sake, can ye be telling me what’s for dinner?”

Still nothing. So he tries again. This time standing again at 10 feet away, but still no response.

So, getting desperate, Paddy walks up, stands directly behind his wife and says, “Mary, can you tell me what’s for dinner?”

She replies, “For feck’s sake, Paddy. For the fifth time, it’s chicken!”

3. Great directions – the quickest way to Cork

One of the best Paddy Irishman jokes is about giving directions.
Credit: Pixabay / stevepb

Next up on our list of Paddy Irishman jokes is this one that pokes fun at giving directions.

Mick is in Dublin, but he wants to take his family to Cork.

He stops and asks Paddy, “What is the quickest way to Cork?”

Paddy replies, “Are you on foot or in the car?”

Billy replies, “In the car.”

“Well, that’s the quickest way,” says Paddy.

2. Paddy goes to the antiques fair – a valuable item

Paddy goes to the antiques fair.
Credit: Flickr / S.J.I.

Paddy brings a massive box to an antiques fair in Dublin.

“Where did you get this?” asks the expert.

“It’s been in my loft for 40 years, to be sure.” replies Paddy, “I think it must be some family heirloom.

“I see,” says the expert. “Tell me, do you have insurance?”

“No,” replies Paddy. “Do you think I should?

“Yeah,” replies the expert. “It’s your water tank.”

1. Bright idea – heading home early

One of the best Paddy Irishman jokes is about Paddy and Murphy at work.
Credit: Pixabay / MichaelGaida

Topping our list of best Paddy Irishman jokes is this one about Paddy and Murphy trying to get off work early.

Paddy and his friend Murphy are working on a building site.

Feeling tired, Paddy says to Murphy, “I’m gonna get the day off.”

Murphy replies, “How?”

Paddy says, “By pretending I’ve gone mad!”

Following up on his claim, Paddy climbs up the ladder, hangs upside down, and shouts, “I’m a lightbulb, I’m a lightbulb!”

Murphy watches on amazed and the foreman shouts, “Paddy, go home. You’ve gone mad.”

Paddy leaves the site and heads home. Murphy then starts packing his kit up to go home too.

“Where do you think you’re going?” asks the foreman.

“Well, I can’t work in the friggin’ dark!” said Murphy.