Tyrone to decide which player to contract COVID next to delay All-Ireland final

The Tyrone County Board and management team have come together to decide on who is next to deliberately contract COVID-19.

Following their inspiring victory over Kerry at Croke Park last weekend to reach this year’s All-Ireland final, the Tyrone football senior team are believed to be in the process of which player is to contract COVID next.

It has become an open secret in the confines of the O’Neill county, with the explicit goal thought to delay next weekend’s football decider, much in the same fashion the semi-final was put back.

If it works, don’t change it – tried and tested method

Which Tyrone player will be next to contract COVID?
Credit: Flickr / Kman999

The mutual feeling amongst the Tyrone camp is that the five-week delay between the Monaghan game and the Kerry game benefited the side heading into the match.

According to inside sources, the Tyrone side trained five days per week during the hiatus and played numerous in-house games in preparation for their clash with the Kingdom.

“It wasn’t a break at all for us,” one player admitted to Meanwhile in Ireland’s sports department. “We trained like never before. Jesus, had we played Kerry when we were supposed to, we’d have been hammered.”

Heads or tails – choosing the next culprit

The decision will be made by rock, paper, scissors.
Credit: Unsplash / Akeyodia

Whilst it is mostly speculation at this point, it is strongly rumoured that the preferred method for choosing the next Tyrone player to deliberately contract COVID is through a large game of ‘rock, paper, scissors’.

According to one source, the Tyrone senior team is to be split into two groups of players. Players will go against each other and progress to the next round should they prevail out of the three rounds.

The winner of each group is then paired against each other. Then, the man who comes out on top will subsequently select the unfortunate player who has to go and find a way to infect himself with the potentially deadly virus.

Inside the Mayo camp – what the opponents think

Mayo reacts to the Tyrone players' plan to contract COVID.
Credit: commons.wikimedia.org

According to media in the Connacht county, there are huge amounts of unrest within the senior football camp. Some are calling for a boycott of the final, while others have proposed turning up to Croke Park on 11 September, with Tyrone there or not.

“Lookit,” began one angry Mayo player. “We aren’t going to roll over the way Kerry did. We all know Tyrone deliberately got the COVID to push the game back. Mayo didn’t beat the Dubs to be messed about. Mayo for Sam!”

With the game’s lifeline now firmly hanging in the balance, there have been alternative ways of settling the game proposed. One has suggested that Mayo players also contract the virus and see who is the fittest on the pitch.

Others have called for a drinking contest between the two sets of fans to settle the score. Regardless of what happens, this will be no normal All-Ireland senior football final.

Keep your eyes peeled for which Tyrone player will contract COVID next.