‘Women simply can’t drive’, European study confirms

Despite pleas made by women to the contrary, a recent European study conducted by a German scientist has appeared to confirm that women ‘cannot drive’.

'Women simply can't drive', European study confirms

A recently published and controversial study has confirmed that most women do not have the aptitude, or physical and/or mental skills required to drive properly.

The report by German scientist Dr Karl Heiss was undertaken on behalf of the Guttenberg Institute of Applied Motor Skills Research and unveiled last night at the Institutes Headquarters in Bern.

‘Manage OK at times’


Speaking to the world’s media after the launch of the report Dr Heiss said: “Well, there you have it, undeniable proof that women simply can’t drive.

“Yes, I’ll agree that they manage ok at times but our long-term testing showed that when put under pressure or even in day to day driving conditions they are outclassed by male drivers over and over again. It’s simply a fact of life.”

First documentary proof

This report is the first documented proof alleging that women cannot drive.

“Of course we have known for years now that women are incapable of parking but this is the first documentary proof that even when they do manage to get a car away from the kerb or out of the drive and on the road they fail miserably.

“It’s not really their fault so we should in no way victimise them, the poor little dears, it’s just not in them,” Dr Heiss told reporters somewhat condescendingly and offensively.

Dr Heiss’ research was carried out in four European countries: France, Holland, Italy and Ireland. More than two-thousand female drivers were monitored over three years in specially adapted vehicles. Video recording devices and analytical recorders had been fitted to each car.

Interesting side discovery

An interesting side discovery from the report was that when women became aware of the video recorders they attempted to perfect their appearance.

“An interesting side discovery we made was when the women became aware of the video recorders, we noticed a sharp upswing in their attempts to perfect their appearance. We often had to wait for up to an hour while makeup was applied, and hair brushed.” the doctor mentioned.

“But in all fairness to them, 26.25% of lady-drivers did manage to grasp that the rear-view mirror is primarily to be used as an aid to driving and not solely to help with the application of eye-shadow and lip-gloss especially while driving,” Dr Heiss confirmed.

84% of road traffic accidents come from female window shopping

84% of road traffic accidents come from female window shopping

Another fact to emerge from the research was that 84% of minor road traffic accidents in city driving involve female drivers and occur near shopping streets.

“It’s as if many women do their window-shopping whilst driving on these streets and are constantly taking their eyes off the road. There is a particular spike in the figures for these types of accidents during ‘the sales’ season,” the doctor explained.

Worse with female passengers

The study confirmed it was more dangerous if the female driver was accompanied by a female passenger.

Doctor Heiss expanded on other findings that his research had found: “We noted an increase in minor bumps and scratch incidents again particularly in urban driving when you have a woman driver accompanied by a female passenger.

“It appears that woman drivers when accompanied by a woman passenger become overly involved in conversation — notably if the conversation contains ‘a bit of juicy gossip’.

“The engrossed woman driver will then take their eyes and minds of the driving. It’s sad really but what can you expect from the little darlings — most of them have the concentration of a nat.”

Dr Heiss knocked down while walking home

Dr Heiss knocked down while walking home
Credit: commons.wikimedia.org

As we go to press we have learned that while walking home from the press conference Dr Heiss was knocked down by thirty-three different cars all driven by irate female drivers.