Irish Government announce a one-child policy for culchies

The Irish government has implemented a one-child policy for culchies. Read on to discover everything that entails.

The government has announced plans to finally introduce its long-awaited one-child-policy for families living in rural Ireland.

The move is seen as a radical new approach to solving many of the country’s crises, and details of the plan were announced at a government press briefing held at government buildings in Dublin today.

Reclaim the city

Speaking to the press, the newly appointed Minister for Social affairs, Claude O’Brien, said, “This policy is long overdue.

“Until now, the previous governments were either too afraid or just simply unable to proceed. But, it is now the time for decent Dublin people to reclaim their city.”

“For too long now the upper-middle-class people of South Dublin, and I’m including those poor misfortunate who, due to the economic crash, were forced to cross the Liffey and live in the North Side, have been forced to deal with culchies coming up from the country and trying to impose their way of life on us.”

“Yes, I agree if they had only tried harder to integrate with city folk things could have been handled differently. But that simply didn’t happen.

“No, they just arrived in their droves sneaking past the Red-Cow and catching the Luas into the city,” said one angry minister.

One culchie child per family

The minister, who is known for his right-wing views, continued, “The feckers never even tried to integrate, so they didn’t.

“Prancing around wearing their fecking brown shoes and jeans and some of them even still insist on wearing the silly checked shirts.

“No, they don’t have one iota of a clue as to how to fit within a cultured society.

“It’s time it stopped. And simply put, there’s just too many of the feckers, that’s why from now on it’s going to be one culchie child per one culchie family.”

Culchie exclusion zone

The minister outlined some of the measures to reduce the number of culchies seeking to live in Dublin.

Plans include measures to increase border check-points and controls along the M50.

A strict ban on people wearing checked skirts, jeans, and brown shoes, and the moving of Croke Park to just outside the city’s newly built walls.

Up for the match

“For too long now, the excuse of ‘coming up for the match’ has been used by culchies trying to sneak in.” The minister said.

“By moving Croke Park outside of the CEZ (Culchie Exclusion Zone), we’ll soon put an end to that.”

The plan also calls for the banning of the sale of ham sandwiches within the CEZ.

“They can claim that ham sandwiches are a religious diet thingy all they want but not on my watch.”

Sex education

Another controversial proposal is the introduction of compulsory sex-education classes in all rural second-level schools.

The minister said, “We’re going to force every culchie teenager to attend sex-education classes three times a day.

“Of course, we intend to alter the course content to let the randy teenage culchies believe that indulging in sex can cause the parish, club, or county to lose in the early stages of the GAA leagues. The Church is behind us on that one.”

The minister went on to explain that as yet no plans are in place to cull the culchie population, but added, “While we are not going to actively cull any culchie families with more than the one child, we are going forward to introduce measures to add suitable birth control chemicals to all rural water supply schemes.

“Surprisingly, the Church is behind us on that one too.”

We have earned that since the minister’s announcement, sales of brown shoes, jeans, and checked shirts, along with sales of ham sandwiches and tins of Seven-Up have plummeted.