DUP promise to become more tolerant of “soap dodging catholic scum”

The Democratic Unionist Party (DUP) has promised that, as a party, they will endeavour to be more tolerant of Catholic residents of the North of Ireland in the future.

Arlene Foster, the DUP leader and First Minister of the newly established Northern Ireland Executive (NIE) spoke to reporters at a press conference held at Stormont’s Edward Carson statue yesterday.

It’s not going to be easy

The First Minister said: “I suppose it’s about time we became more tolerant of those soap dodging Catholics, not that it’s going to be easy but I suppose if it means that we can keep the Assembly up and running and more importantly keep us politicians getting the paychecks, well, I suppose it will be worth the shagging effort.”

Unsurprisingly, members of the press asked the First Minister why she referred to Catholics as “soap dodging”. The FM replied: “Jesus, Mary and Holy St Joseph. Have you never been stuck in a shagging room with any of them?” she asked before continuing without waiting for a reply. 

Smell of stale Guinness

“For feck-sake, the smell of turf and stale Guinness from them would make you puke. Sure, it’s the main reason why we had to suspend the NI Assembly the last time.

“Feck it lads, seriously, that Sinn Féin lot, honestly they never wash. At least with another woman, Michelle O’Neill, as Deputy First Minister we can cover the meeting rooms with potpourri and a bit of perfume or maybe light a few of them scented candles or something.”

‘We’ve become just a bit more tolerant’

“No,” the DUP leader went on to say. “It’s not that we have Boris Johnson by the short and curlies anymore. Since we fecked up the election and lost rakes of seats we have to become just that itsy bitsy more tolerant. Or at least look like we are,” she confessed.

Another reporter, from one of the Free State rags, had the nerve to ask the democratically elected leader of not only the glorious British six counties but also of God’s own Democratic and Holy Unionist Party, how exactly the new era of tolerance would work.

Give them the vote

“Well for a start we might think of giving the Catholics the vote. Yeah, I know they already have a vote but we might go along with pretending to take a bit notice of what they actually vote for. 

“And I suppose we’ll let them hold the odd parade on quiet days during the winter or at night. I’m sure we can work something out. And I suppose we could try and stop interning them,” said a First Minister who thought she was still living back in the seventies and who also fancied herself as a bit of a Maggie Thatcher.

New slogan

Meanwhile in Ireland understands that her new spirit of tolerance towards Catholics will not be extended to, as she put it, “that thick idiot of a PR consultant” who came up with the party’s new slogan – ‘DUP has the Strength To Deliver’, where, unfortunately, astute readers can spot the acronym the ‘DUP has an STD’.